Justice Potter Stewart said, “I can’t define pornography, but I know it when I see it.” In the same way, I can’t define immodesty, but I know it when I see it. That’s because there is no set standard of modesty. Technically, it’s possible for men or women to dress immodestly, but let’s just admit that modesty is a woman’s issue. As a male pastor, talking to a woman about immodesty ranks up there with getting a root canal on the “things I don’t want to do” list, but here we go! Scripture says that women should dress themselves modestly with decency and propriety (1 Tim 2:9).
I’ve spent a good deal of time looking, and there’s not a lot written defining modesty for a woman of God. Of the few articles I have found, many of them are opinionated and offer strict standards for ladies to follow. The tips were practically oriented and gave instructions how to tell if your shirt is too tight and if your skirt is too short.
The problem is that there really can’t be one set standard for modesty. Women have to individually assess themselves and make judgment calls about what they should or shouldn’t wear. I strongly recommend for ladies to find a trusted female mentor who can offer honest feedback. That being said, I believe the three main factors of determining modesty are: age, body shape, and ….personality.
::Age::
Your age plays a factor. It’s pretty safe to say that, as a lady ages, her modesty standards should become a little more conservative. An immodestly dressed teenager looks like she needs a dad, whereas an immodestly dressed older woman looks desperate and sad. The more you age, the more you should err on the side of caution.
::Body Shape::
One size does NOT fit all! Let’s just say that the more “assets” you have, the more you need to cover up. Two gals of different body shapes could try on the same piece of clothing in their respective sizes. One may look modest, while the other looks scandalous. Dress for your shape!
::Personality::
Ladies, those of you with outgoing and friendly personalities will eventually be accused of flirting. If this is you, I’m not saying that you are flirting, but that guys are notoriously bad at reading signals from women. Some guys believe that any woman who offers a smile wants to be asked out on a date. An outgoing personality should consider a slightly more conservative standard. You already hate it when a guy gets the “wrong idea.” You definitely don’t want to give him a reason to get a worse idea.
::This is a culture issue::
Like it or not, the standards of modesty are heavily influenced by the culture. Styles change, and cuts change, but the female body does not change. At one point, women wouldn’t wear pants. At another time, bikinis were scandalous. Today, almost anything goes. This is where it gets sticky for ladies and for the parents of young girls. Tomorrow I’ll offer some tips for making the tough calls!
Okay, so what about the male worship pastors and band members who wear the painted-on-skinny jeans? Just sayin’.
I agree with most of this, though the “personality” one, I admit I am wrestling with. Does sanguine or extrovert ultimately mean bland wardrobe to glorify God or ward off jerks? Thankfully, I’m an INFJ so my closet full of animal prints and hot pink are safe.
The personality one is tricky. What I’m really getting at is that some women have, what I called in the article, an outgoing personality. I mentioned that guys might interpret that wrong and perceive it as flirting. I’ll go ahead and say that some women have straight up flirtatious personalities and DO flirt blatantly with men, whether they’re married or not. My statement about personality applies to women who aren’t trying to be flirtatious, but are naturally warm and outgoing. For example, many warm personalities express love through touch. These are the ladies that hug, pat, and touch. There’s nothing inherently wrong with that, but if you’re hugging a guy who is not your husband, you probably don’t want your cleavage all up in his face!
You might want to respond to some of the comments on Reddit… You’re getting an overwhelmingly negative reaction, but I don’t think anyone wants to post on the actual blog.
http://www.reddit.com/r/Christianity/comments/124sgt/modest_is_hottest/
Thanks Samm! I understand that posting articles to Reddit opens up the door to people who a) take things out of context b) don’t understand scripture and c) don’t even believe in or practice biblical principles. Hopefully, some people are encouraged anyways.
I had the same reaction as Deanna about the personality point. The main point is modest is hottest whether you have a “flirtatious” or a just “warm and outgoing” personality. Not so sure if there needs to be a distinction. I would add “situation” in as a factor to be considered. Where you going and what you are doing should be considered. For example, there are certain outfits I find modest on a day to day basis, but on Sunday morning when I’m running around with kids, on stage jumping, and overall being crazy those outfits just don’t work. Just a thought. Thanks for talking about modesty. Not sure if I have ever heard a guy address it before. Love it!
I agree with your point of view. I feel it’s something that I personally struggle with. Not that I want to dress inappropriately, but that it’s interesting how certain situations or positions ( I suppose literally or figuratively) can change what is modest or not. Now being a wife, I know that I am more conscious of what I wear, as I wouldn’t want any man who is not my husband to be tempted by anything I wear. Kudos on tackling this sensitive issue
Thanks Abby, that’s good insight!
Kirstyn, great point! Situation is critical and probably needs to be addressed in part 2.
You say you’re not making “set standards.” But then you go on to state how women of varying ages, body shapes, and even personalities should dress in order to be modest. I understand that you want to share your viewpoint, but the way in which you shared it is pretty abrasive. You mentioned a couple times how you’re somewhat uncomfortable with discussing this “women’s issue,” and that women should find a female mentor to discuss this with. I’d agree with that, and I think that perhaps as a man, you should let this particular issue be dealt with on a woman-to-woman basis.
I offer some recommendations, but not set standards. A larger older lady can rock a mini-skirt if she wants, but it’s probably not the most appropriate choice. I do believe that men are not excluded from commenting on the modesty of a woman in general terms. Just as a woman is not excluded from commenting on the crisis of male pornography addiction. The source of truth is God’s Word, regardless of the sex of the messenger. I would not personally discuss this issue with an individual woman, but let another Christian woman have the case-by-case discussion. This is a generalized article and it can be abrasive to cut to the point.
There is more to modesty than showing skin– just putting that out there too.
I also want women to dress simply. They should wear clothes that are right and proper. They shouldn’t braid their hair. They shouldn’t wear gold or pearls. They shouldn’t spend too much on clothes. (1 Timothy 2:9 NIRV)
How many church-going women spend excessive time and money on their wardrobe, accessories, and appearance? I think the passage indicates that this behavior is just as immodest. Who are we trying to impress? God, or other people? (and I still think this conversation is much more appropriate between women than from a man to a woman.)
That is a great point! The issue is the heart. “Why am I wearing this?” I was planning on addressing this aspect next.
I find it interesting that people are finding offense to the article. Sometimes when issues rub you the wrong way, it’s God’s way of telling you that you need to look at that issue in your own life. My personal opinion: Would I be ashamed to be in this type of clothing if Jesus were in the room? If so…shouldn’t have it on.
Right! When people get so fired up about something that’s coming from scripture, I have to say, “Methinks thou dost protest too much.”
The most appropriate context for the discussion of modesty is the relationship between parent and child. Young girls NEED mom and dad (ESPECIALLY dad!) to lovingly and firmly establish appropriate guidelines for them. This is not an issue for “the girls” to figure out on their own once they hit puberty. Looking forward to part two!
Nathan, you are so right! It’s like God knew what He was doing when he designed the family! I recommend the book Strong Fathers Strong Daughters. Fortunately, the church can help make up for ladies who didn’t have mom and dad to set them on the right path.
This issue of modesty ???? Well I don’t see being enforced at
At school or home On any given day I see teens, Tweens
Walking to school looking like a Pros- T- Tot
I say to my self > I know there is a dress code!
Oh no! If I had a jump suit I would throw it right
at them!
Ryan, you briefly mentioned the issue of pornography in the article and I think there is more of a direct connection between the two problems in the home environment. Perhaps the reason why so many father’s lack the authority to address the immodesty of their children is because they have not dealt with the issue in their own hearts as men…now to check Amazon for the book you mentioned!
Dude, you didn’t hit the nail on the head there, you annihilated the nail and the hammer!
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